I fear this shall be my final correspondence with you my sweet love. They have found me. They know about briaN o'briaN's buttons. They know about the embezzled Battenburg. In short, they know everything.
I hear from horracE that a joint council with the tayloR guilD decided upon my fate during the small hours at tilliE smalL's miniature bungalow earlier this morning. Flight is my only option. However owing to the maintenance work being carried out on horracE's hot air balloon I shall have to walk. At a brisk pace. The ports are closed to me and the armed Haberdashery peacekeeping corps are watching the inns, outs and shakeabouts up and down the border.
I wish it did not have to be this way my frail but sharp boned dove. No. Put the quill down and do not attempt to argue with me. Using this medium it would just take far too long. I have made arrangements for my wife and children to be looked after in the advent of anything untoward befalling me. Apologies for the appalling state of my handwriting but I write to you from a rickety carriage and we must have hit a stone as I was writing untoward. There, it just happened again. I am only gladdened to know that my son Tim shall not inherit his father's shocking hand as his mastery of the quill has always been excellent. I know I can rely on him to look after his mother and little sister macrathildA.
I do not know how to even start proving my innocence over the o'briaN affair and as for the Battenburg debacle, terrY kiplinG's been looking for just this opportunity to seize power. I have decided that I must go into hiding, possibly for the rest of my life. Do not be angry with me my stern faced angel. I could not bear the thought of a half smile never trying to creep it's way across your thin, pursed lips when you think of all the wonderful hours we spent together. You in semi hostile silence, your facial tick the only movement of your pale flesh and myself just blathering on about buttons.
I shall have to sign off now my love as there seems to be some sort of commotion up ahead and I fear that...
This letter was found amongst the possessions of berenicE kiplinG by tiM zazU and has only just been uncovered by renowned historian feliX (Feathers) de flamingO.